chew

Now that things have calmed down in my head, I’ve developed a nervous habit with my body.  I’ve been gnawing on my fingertips.  You know the skin around the nail, on the sides and where the cuticles are?  I bite and pick at my skin mindlessly throughout the day, and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it until at night when my fingers feel so sore and raw that I can’t use my hands to do anything. 

I held my hands out to Eli last night so that he could see what I’ve been doing.  I had several fresh bloody wounds, dried blood on several fingers, and nasty-looking scabs all over the rest.  My hands would look like I went at them with a cheese grater except that my nails remain perfectly unaffected.  They are pretty and long and untouched. 

Eli held my hands and examined them and then asked the question I’ve been wondering myself, “Holy shit, J, why are you doing this to yourself?”

And I really don’t know.  It’s not intentional.  Is this some kind of psychological subset of cutting where I release pain by mutilating my fingers?

When I make dinner I have to be very careful.  Preparation of last night’s peanut shrimp noodle stir-fry sent a brain-searing crush of pain through my body when I got to the part where I had to squeeze lime juice over the noodles.  A tiny bit of juice dripped down over my fingers while I was squeezing, and I was in such immediate agony that, as I stood at the sink rinsing my finger, I had to force myself to not grab a steak knife and amputate my fingers at the knuckle for relief.

So today I am going to try and be especially conscious of my fingers, and keeping them out of my mouth.  I know how stupid it is to go out in the world unprotected, with wounds in my armor.  I almost passed out the other day when I saw Joey chewing the safety strap on the carriage while we were shopping at Walmart.  All I could think about were the billions of other dirty children who’d left their drool and dirt and FECES on that strap, and how my child was gnawing away on it like it was the world’s tastiest granola bar. Meanwhile, I’m pushing the carriage and holding onto the bar with my open sored fingers, giving the filth a direct line into my bloodstream.

Comments

[Stacey]

Yow... citrus in a cut HURTS, and so does having the cuts on your skin. Could it be something along the lines of finger-nail biting? I used to gnaw my nails to the quick, and they'd bleed and hurt when I touched htings, too...
Because of that, I know there are tons of stop-biting-your-fingernails products, maybe some would help you be aware of your finger-tip-munching, and help you stop it?

[Andrea]

I'm a finger skin chewer too! They hurt today but I can't stop myself!