Background Noise: Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = CRAZY DELICIOUS

Christmas always makes me nervous. Not fearful nervous, but overwhelmed and twitchy. I think it’s the stimulation overload. Once all the presents are unwrapped, all the food is eaten and everyone goes home, I’m left in my house on Christmas night with stacks of new things and I look around and I don’t know where to start. Do I bust out the Play Doh or my new cookbook? Should I read something new, watch a movie or listen to a CD? Should I go shopping tomorrow with my gift cards or introduce my new clothes to the closet?
Too much.

I have a hard time going from famine to feast. Last week I went to the library I was so desperate for reading material, and now I have piles of new books to read. I was down to my last ten bucks yesterday and now I have spare cash. I was wearing maternity underwear because I had no money for new bras and girly underthings, and now I have a card that will let me shop for new stuff free at Victoria’s Secret.

Oh, wait, that’s what I wanted to talk about. Eli told me a story last night about how one of his friends went to Victoria’s Secret to buy his wife a present for Christmas. And when he went in he was assigned a personal shopper. This VS personal shopper turns out to be a beautiful woman with a smokin’ body who TRIES ON AND MODELS ALL THE LINGERIE FOR HIM. I’ve never heard of such a thing, but it’s actually brilliant because I bet guys eat that shit right up. I think Eli told me a guy secret that I shouldn’t know about because I then told him that I don’t want him to buy me stuff from there ever again. It’s bad enough not having a perfect body, but knowing that some Double-D bimbo pranced around in front of my husband wearing the same bra that he will then come home and see me in is too much pressure for any girl. Especially a girl who has early alphabet boobs.

Our Christmas had a special theme this year. On Christmas Eve, we’d finished everything early so we sat on the couch to relax while the baby was napping and watched an episode of Saturday Night Live on Tivo from a couple of weeks ago. I have to take a moment here to celebrate Tivo. And especially reflect on how important it has become in our lives, especially since the baby moved in and forced us into a schedule which means going to sleep at a reasonable hour and not being able to watch the shows we like when they’re on. Tivo has become the fourth member of our household, and I love it almost more than the pets. Tivo makes life beautiful but all the cats do around here is pee in the sink and lick my mouth while I’m sleeping. And those things suck.

Anyway, have you ever seen Chris Parnell rap? He’s brilliant. So when this short came on SNL, Eli and I sat there mesmerized because it is the best thing we’ve seen on TV in a long time, maybe ever. We watched it three times and still wanted more, but then people started to arrive and we had to turn the TV off. But it didn’t matter. Parnell had already invaded our brains.

All night, whenever Eli or I caught each others’ eye or had a private moment alone in the kitchen, it went a little something like this:

Eli: Chroni-
Jaeme: WHAT?
Eli: -cles of Narnia!

Jaeme: Chroni-
Eli: WHAT?
Jaeme: -cles of Narnia

This has been going on for three days now and it’s showing no signs of stopping. Watch it and you will understand.