things I've learned this week (and it's only Tuesday!)

1. When my therapist tells me (on the topic of trying to find a balance between household chores and outside work): Don’t expect your husband to be able to read your mind.  He is not trying to hurt you with ambivalence, it’s just that men sometimes don’t know what needs to be done around the house.  Make him a list.  Just make the fucking list but don’t tell my husband that my therapist thinks he is clueless.  Especially right after he breaks out the cleaning supplies and spends the morning cleaning and organizing the stereo and entertainment center all on his own without having to consult a list.

2. Babies don’t like asparagus and couscous for lunch.  Accept that and give him the bagel he craves right away.  Otherwise you will spend 30 minutes after lunch cleaning little couscous bits off the wall and asparagus slime out of the child’s hair.  Same for eggs.  He hates them, stop trying.

3. Don’t assume the shield of patience that medication affords is impenetrable, especially when it comes to daffy shit like baby showers.

I lost my fucking mind last night out of aggravation over planning a baby shower.  My pills have been like a shield for me from the stupidity that comes as a normal part of living in the world.  Instead of getting furious, I am able to easily brush things off and waste no energy fuming.  But this baby shower business is penetrating my shield.

Someone close to me is having a baby.  And I’m so happy for her and for him, and I talked to her about what kind of shower she wants.  She wants a co-ed cookout.  A laid-back party with grill food and beer and no opening presents (but of course receiving presents because that’s the whole point of a shower in the first place).  But new mom’s mother lives far away and since she will be visiting in March, she wants us to have the shower then.  I don’t know about where you live, but New England in March is not the time to be having a cookout.  So now we’re stuck with a doubled guest list (co-ed party, remember) and trying to find somewhere to have the ball.  Um, I mean shower. 

I spoke with one of new mom’s friends last night, the girl in charge of coordinating and planning everything, and this shower is turning into the event of the year.  What does that mean for me?  Well, loads of money.  Buckets of money that I do not have.

This is why I did not have a shower.  It makes me cringe that people would roll their eyes at the prospect of yet another shower because EVERYBODY HATES THEM, and besides, I don’t have the patience to sit in a room full of women for an afternoon delighting over baby socks and little outfits and debating which brand of diaper is best. 

Everyone thought I was crazy to not have a shower.  I have a huge family and lots of friends who were just waiting to shower me with gifts for my new baby.  My mom was concerned that I would miss out on all the loot.  Yeah, way to go grandma, thanks for recognizing that this is an important, special, life-changing event and not some fucking FUNDRAISER.  I’m going to tell you for the last fucking time, my son is not your ticket to recouping all the money you’ve invested in other people’s children over the years.  I know this is how society works--you shower me, I shower you--but if you’re so gung-fucking-ho about recovering your losses, YOU have the shower and leave me the fuck out of it.  (Sadly, she almost did exactly that)

Anyway, for about a month following my son’s birth, UPS was at my door almost every day with packages from the people who truly did want to shower the little one with gifts.  We received so much stuff and I didn’t ask for any of it, which was what made it so special.  I spent a lot of time sitting at my kitchen table opening boxes packed full of handmade blankets and clothes and rattles and bibs…it was overwhelming and every gift made me cry because everyone was off the hook.  No one needed to do a thing, but they still did.  In my eyes, that’s the way to have a baby shower.

Why do important life events like other people’s weddings and babies suck the life out of me?  Oh that’s right, because the months leading up to them are so painfully NOT about the beautiful thing that’s about to happen and instead are full of organized stress and the desperate feeling that I am BLEEDING MONEY.

4. My job is wonderful.  The best part is being able to talk to different people all the time and the relaxing feeling of going home and not taking work with me.  I will never isolate myself in a lab for ten hours a day, and I will never sell my soul for a paycheck ever again.

5. Very small children need to be supervised while playing with Play-Doh, even if it’s non-toxic.  This means not turning your eyes away for a minute to find a movie on Tivo because that’s exactly how long it takes for him to pick tiny little pieces off the big ball of green doh and mash them into the carpet.