a masochist like me

I knew it would happen eventually, but I was hoping this time it would be different. Now that I’ve had a couple months of peace, and my family has a schedule that’s working for everyone, I’m starting to feel restless again. I wish I could just live in the peace, and be content with the decisions I’ve made that have stabilized daily life around here, and I am to an extent. But there’s a small, aggravating part of me that gets a little bored with tranquility.

I don’t want to be a person who can only function under stress. That’s what got me into trouble in the first place. I keep reminding myself that any jerk can function in the midst of chaos, but it’s learning how to be still and calm and enjoy the quiet moments without constantly trying to figure out ways to make things unbearably difficult that are the sign of a person who has their shit together.

This morning I was cleaning out my wallet when I found a few of my old business cards tucked into the inside flap. And I started thinking about how proud of those cards I used to be and how much work it took me to get them. I spent years in school and then years paying my dues and then I dropped it all like it was just a silly hobby. There are days when I feel disappointed in myself. When I wake up and I feel like a big failure at keeping it together and moving forward with my life when everything was changing and mostly I feel ashamed sometimes at how poorly I made the transition to motherhood. I hate to admit that having a baby fucked me up, because it doesn’t feel fair to the small person who is in the world because I made it so, whose joyful innocence knocks me down every day, and owns my heart like no other person in this world ever has.

But not all days are full of self loathing and shame. Some days, when I get home from work well before dinner and Joey is fresh from his afternoon nap, we sit on the couch and read books together. He snuggles into my lap and rests his head against my chest while I read to him and when I glance down and see his sock feet resting against my leg and his chubby hands holding onto mine while I hold the book, I can’t believe I almost let someone else have these moments. Almost PAID someone a lot of money to have them. And it’s in moments like that when I get a little perspective back about what I’m trying to do.

Being content shouldn’t be so hard, but it is for a masochist like me. I just have to remind myself to remember the bad when thinking about the good, and try to stop torturing myself with regret. And I’m working on it. But I still couldn't bring myself to throw away all the business cards. I had to keep one.

Comments

[Kathy]

Well, crap. I forgot all about my old business cards. I exchanged a career with a huge expense account (including the booze!) for staying at home and eating at fast food joints. What was I thinking? Oh yeah - chubby fingers and socks on chubby feet. Well worth it my fellow Mom.