clearly I'm delusional

I am extremely successful at landing jobs. Every interview I’ve ever had has led to a job offer. Well, except for that internal position that one time where I was found unfit for the position after details of my personal life were considered in the process. But that was political and a fucked up situation to begin with so I don’t usually count it.

But what I am wholly unsuccessful at is getting what I want in terms of salary. I’ve only ever had one job in my life where I’ve been satisfied with the salary. Probably because I only recently realized that I need to negotiate before accepting the job and not try to get more money once I was in the position. But since I’ve finished school and added some good experience to my resume, I’m less eager to accept a low salary. And so I’ve started negotiating for money.

My first negotiation went very well. I asked for 5 grand more, and I got 2k added to my salary plus a $2000 sign-on bonus. I consider that a successful negotiation. In my current job the initial offer was so low that I just rejected it straight out and so it was a delightful surprise when they came back with just enough money and schedule flexibility to make me unable to reject the position. After all, I was sitting here with no salary for a few months and at that point anything remotely reasonable sounded good.

But now that I’m ready to go back to work full-time, I can't afford to fuck around anymore. The money is very important. And what I’m looking for is not an insurance company CEO’s ransom, simply enough money to justify spending 40 hours a week out of the house, the ability to pay for child care while I’m at work and the gas to get there without breaking even at the end of the month. But how do you explain this to an employer without flipping your shit and screaming at them I AM LOOKING FOR A WAY TO PAY BILLS, NOT A HOBBY, SO QUIT DICKING ME AROUND!!!

I am currently in negotiation for yet another job and it’s fucking wearing me down. What is two dollars an hour to a huge corporation that will likely bank thousands of dollars a year from my work? I just don’t fucking get what it is about me that makes people comfortable offering me such shit money. Why am I having feelings of corporate rage toward a company I don’t even work for?

It has to be something about me or something I’m doing that’s making this always happen. I know a little about how this stuff works. I know that if you consistently don’t get interviews, you should fix your resume. I know that if you consistently get interviews but never get the positions, you should work on your interview skills and maybe your appearance. But what do you fix when you get interviews and offers of employment but the money is consistently a joke?

I’ve already considered that maybe I want too much. Maybe I think I’m worth more than I truly am. But after some research and math I’ve rejected that possibility because it doesn’t make sense. And while I’m at it, why do you need an engineering degree to work for a fucking toy company??? I can understand the requirement at Lego, but Fisher Price? Why isn’t vision enough? And why are all the interesting companies in Califuckingfornia? What, Boston’s not good enough for your precious toy development think tanks? Is creative genius just a west coast thang? Are we too bitter and based in reality out here for you? I guarantee the Bratz dolls were conceived by an east coaster. And probably GI Joe too!

The real question though is why am I wasting valuable time with this when I could be devising a crime plan for securing a decent salary?