where is the muppet of common sense?

Eli and I stalked the movie store for three days trying to rent The Hills Have Eyes. So when we finally got our hands on a copy this afternoon, we planned our night around watching it. Unfortunately, the movie contains something I cannot deal with since having a baby of my own and that is anything that comes between a mother and her ability to protect her child. You don’t mess with the babies, man.

There was a part, right before I turned it off, where one of the mutants holds a gun up to the baby’s face and the baby reaches out and touches the barrel like it’s a cool, shiny new toy. It reminds me so much of the baby things Joey does because he doesn’t know how the world works yet. Like today when he held the nozzle of the hose directly in front of his face and then pressed the sprayer while looking directly into it, surprising himself by shooting a blast of water straight into his eyes and up his nose.

We watched The Chronicles of Narnia last weekend and I was fully expecting to be taken to a dream world of magic, and instead was taken to a dream world of suck. Maybe it’s just me and I’ve been ruined by Lord of the Rings and now I expect every fantasy movie to be smart and for adults. Chronicles of Narnia definitely is not for adults because they barely explain the back story on anything and it’s full of that Davey and Goliath shoving lessons down your throat bullshit I was sick of by the time I was seven.

Even Sesame Street is edgier than Narnia. Though I have to admit, sometimes I get very frustrated with Sesame Street. Like the other day when Luis wanted to cook juevos rancheros for Maria and Big Bird was trying to help him out by going to the market and buying three tomatoes and one hot pepper. It turned into this huge ordeal, first because Big Bird has like no short-term memory and couldn’t remember his list of TWO ITEMS, and then when he got sidetracked by Maria after purchasing his produce and had to hide the bag under his wing while he helped her fix a toaster. And the whole time he’s fretting like an asshole about simple shit that he should totally be able to work out on his own. First off, just buy what you think Luis wants and then run back to the store if it’s wrong, and second, just because Maria asks for your help doesn’t mean you have to give it to her. Dude, make up an excuse. Tell her you have to make a phone call, take a shit, anything and get the fuck out of there. Sometimes Sesame Street is so tedious with this shit and I sit there on the couch watching it and rewriting the scripts in my head to how I think they should be. Like what was Luis thinking sending the biggest and brightest colored muppet on the entire street out to do an undercover mission? Send Grover or one of the other smaller muppets like Zowie. Or how about not using muppets as your servants at all and maybe getting off your ass and doing your shopping your own damn self. And you’ve lived on Sesame Street long enough to know that muppets are not very bright so if you want to surprise your wife with a nice dinner, you shouldn’t even involve them because chances are they will fuck it up and the surprise will be ruined. You’re  better off just distracting them with some sticks or letter shapes or a pile of shiny fucking rocks while you handle the dinner preparations yourself.

I suppose if I wrote the scripts the action on Sesame Street would be limited to like two minutes of adults doing things with common sense and there would be no muppets anywhere except maybe Oscar who would throw things every once in a while or scream obscenities from his can to keep it interesting. But then I'd have to fill the rest of the hour with dancing letters and kids would probably hate it.

I’m taking my summer TV angst out on Wes Craven, a beloved classic novel and The Children’s Television Workshop and it’s really not their fault. I just don’t have anything good to watch.

Comments

[Deke]

Thanks for leaving the comment on my first entry. That was really nice to see when i logged in. I have seen the Hills Have Eyes and I know what your talking about. Don't blame you for turning it off!

[sherry]

I can't stop laughing at your Sesame Stret rant. :P