Eli: resident weirdo

I just got out the new bag of grapes for Joey’s snack and I noticed that the seal has never been opened. And it made me laugh because I imagine Eli searching through the fruit trying to find the only bag that hasn’t been touched. This is because Eli is a produce purist, and he did the grocery shopping this week.

Eli is not an irritable guy. Little things just don’t bother him like they do most normal people. He has an amazing ability to let things roll when it comes to most anything. Except produce. (And Nickelback). (And asshole drivers). I actually walked in on him giving a dissertation to my niece this weekend about why Nickelback sucks, based on bad hair, quality of lyrics and similarity to Def Leppard. He was trying to explain to her that only a pussy dipshit talks about breaking into his high school half a dozen times like he’s some kind of hardened criminal. “Knock off a convenience store or bank, motherfucker, then you go write a song about how bad-ass you are.” I had to gently remind him that his niece is 16, and breaking in to a school is a big deal when you’re 16. In fact, it was a huge story arc on 90210 when Steve got his hands on the legacy key. Remember? (Another thing that will set easygoing Eli off is when I compare real life situations with storylines on old television shows. Examples are 90210, Melrose Place and Party of Five. It’s like poking at a hornet’s nest with a stick. Sometimes I can’t help myself)

Lately Eli’s favorite topic of rage is produce. More specifically, people who violate produce in the store like it’s their god given right to paw through like they’re in their own kitchen. It seems like every time we’re in the produce, someone is messing with the fruit. And Eli zeros in on it and stares at the violator in disbelief across the rows of lettuce and cucumbers, and then shoots me desperate looks like “Can you fucking BELIEVE what is happening over there???” Last week it was the lady breaking up the banana bunches so she could have all individual bananas in her bag. The week before that is was a guy sorting through the bags of grapes picking out the most desirable clusters to make himself a 5 pound superbag.

Eli goes crazy when he sees this happening, and he tries to drag me in, eventually getting aggravated when I don’t agree with his point of view. I really don’t care that people touch the produce or break it apart from its original packaging to reorganize it how they like. I don’t have to buy the ravaged leftovers, and I’m not a produce manager, so why is it my problem? But Eli gets so angry that I expect one of these days I will be called down to the grocery store to free him from custody after he lunges at a produce picker and starts breaking fingers. I suspect it has something to do with entitlement and the reasoning that the things in the store do not belong to you, they potentially belong to all of us, and you do not own the right to destroy something until you have paid for it.

My thinking is that if you’re going to charge people five bucks for a bag of grapes you should probably expect them to sift.

Since I’m already on the topic of why Eli is a freak, I’ll (over)share another story. I should mention that I take some responsibility for Eli’s recent explosion of freakiness. Since the meds have chilled me out a little bit, I’m no longer as prone to fits of rage. And if the resident freak takes a break, that energy has to go somewhere. And it looks like it has gone directly to Eli.

When we got home from the beach the other day, we decided to all take a shower together because we were covered in sand. Eli jumped in first, and while I was taking Joey’s diaper off he stood there staring up at Eli. He looked at Eli and then down at his own body, and I can only assume he was comparing. So I helped him along. I said, “See, Daddy has a big penis and you have a little one. Because you are a little boy and daddy is a grown up man.” And you would’ve thought I’d told Joey to pray to the holy spirit for how Eli reacted. He turned around and told me to stop talking about his penis in front of the child and that’s when I realized that there is actually some topic to do with parenting that Eli and I haven’t discussed yet. And we may not agree on this one.

I’m sure Eli is picturing conversations like this coming back to haunt us when Joey is old enough to communicate in detailed sentences and decides to share the fact that his daddy has a big penis with his preschool teacher. But I just see it as another part of his body just like his eyes and ears and nose we’re always talking about.

The kid is eventually going to realize he’s a boy.

Comments

[Mallika]

Heh, I think Joey telling any teacher about his father's penis is so going to be interpreted in the wrong way. But I agree with you on the body issue, though -- treat it as just another body part and you probably won't run into all the weird-ass issues that crop up in the more conservative families, where any tiny reference to *gasp* the sexual organs are going to bring the shame of the whole family down on your head.

In regards to the produce issue, I'm kind of more like Eli. I hate when people squeeze fruit so hard they bruise each one, I hate when they throw the veggies/fruits back without much care, and all the rest. I don't know. I'm just very careful with produce. Besides, having all those people bruising and smashing the produce means there's fewer nice ones left for me, so I guess it's a self-serving thing.

[hubs]

See Joey, daddy has a big banana and grapes. He is a produce.

[Resident EROCK]

Thank you for pointing out one of my favorite pet peeves (intentional irony). Ever get boxed out by a big ol' fatty who hoardes over a particular part of the produce area so that, god forbid, you find that holy piece of fruit before he lays his fetid hands on it.

Kinda reminds me of the milk mommies. You know, the women who search (a la produce pigs) for that special gallon of milk with the latest expiration date. They know that somewhere in there a gallon exists that will not expire until the next millenium... friggin' weirdos.

I like going to the frozen food freezer areas (with the doors that fog up when you open them), then write sexy messages in the fog so that passersby will be tittilated by my droll wit!

[Jaeme]

Im trying to imagine going for my frozen pizza and seeing SUCK MY CELESTE scrawled in the door fog. That would make my day.

[sherry]

I always think it's great when kids know body parts. I was changing Breanna's diaper and my friend's 3.5-year old daughter was watching. She very seriously said, "I have a vagina too."