I need Alice

So we’re thinking about hiring a housecleaner. Typing that sentence made me cringe because I hate thinking of myself as a person who needs to give money to another human being to clean up my messes. It infuriates me that I cannot keep my home free of dirt and dust and mildew and rotting food without giving up something I love, like the nightly game of slide tag I play with Joey after dinner that can go on for an hour sometimes with us running back and forth through the house in our socks chasing each other while we pretend to be dinosaurs (unless someone accidentally loses control and clips the wall, cutting the game short and requiring intervention of lots of hugs and a frozen bag of peas pressed delicately to the head). And every week when I have a whole day off from work I am faced with the choice of doing something fun like taking Joey outside to run around and play, or putting him in front of the TV so I can disinfect the bathrooms.

Eli and I were both off yesterday and we spent the entire day cleaning. The only time we took a break from cleaning was to run errands and eat. And it sucked. I was angry all day long, but especially during the few minutes when I was hovered over the toilet scrubbing pee off the outside of the bowl. And when I get angry I pick fights with Eli.

J: Your aim sucks

E:That wasn’t me...

J: Are you saying it was me?

E: …

J: Are you seriously accusing me of PEEING AROUND MY OWN ASS???

 

And then Eli starts laughing, but I am still mad.

We also have a two year-old running around making messes faster than we can clean them up. If you had asked me two years ago how many individual cheerios I’ve picked up off the floor in my life I would’ve probably said something like two. Now the number is up in the billions and I just can’t keep up.

For example:

 

The child has more toys than cells in his body, yet groceries hold more appeal than anything in his toybox. Somehow things like eggs, sugar and loose pieces of cereal are his favorite things to play with. Maybe it satisfies some kind of toddler multitasking need, enabling him to snack while he plays. On this particular day I was otherwise occupied in the kitchen, probably scrubbing hardened banana scum off the inside of the sink, when Joey took advantage of my distraction and smuggled a brand new loaf of bread off the counter. You can't really see it in the video but he had taken a bite out of each and every piece and was happily digging his sticky little hands into the bread as he stacked. He ruined an entire loaf of bread and as his punishment I sent him to school with sandwiches made from pita bread the whole next week. Which he loved so it wasn't really a punishment at all and if I really wanted to teach a lesson I should've replaced the bread with pressed vegetables.

Anyway, I think I am going to keep the housekeeper thing to myself for a while, around family and friends who are likely to judge and condemn me for being a lazy slob. Which I am, of course. I would just like no one to think that I'd rather spend an entire evening constructing a jail for Mr. Potato Head out of mega blocks than scrubbing jelly handprints off the windows. That's no kind of homemaker.